On the word 'Encouragement'.

The feeling of being encouraged is foster when someone is given the affirmation and/or appreciation upon an action or a certain situation.  So you would think it's only logical that someone becomes discouraged when they're given a negative feedback given the same circumstances.  Is that only so?  I realised that discouragement also occurs during silence.  A non-feedback.

As adults, we learn to build walls for self-protection - the defence from others and also the defence from our own biggest critic - Self.  Which is why, there are some with great minds of steel iron that have been trained to plough through any discouraging circumstances.  And which is also why, some turn to God - where the world forsakes them, God will never.  Personal and/or professional development, of which I have learned, can never fully be a one person's struggling journey because as much as nature had the upper-hand in deciding who we are, it is nurture (and our surroundings) that shapes us.  Think of a relationship, a family setting, a battling workplace - we find identity in relation to others.  I discovered the lesser known meaning of 'no man is an island'.  It's not about us needing friendship so much, but it's about finding our identity in relation to our surroundings.  We are not just our names, but someone's child, parent, partner, boss, staff, etc.  The lifelong journey of growth is therefore made up not only by our own actions but as well as the encouragement/discouragement from others.  We do more of something because we feel appreciated.  And we do less of something because we feel unappreciated.  Simple isn't it?

But not so simple during childhood.  A child, tween or dare I say, teen, will not be able to perform such advance trickery to their own mind (called determination) at such a tender age.  Their future is shaped by encouragement from their parents, siblings, teachers and little friends.  Imagine all the closed doors that your child could have opened if you encouraged them to cook more, play football, love trains, build stuff, etc.  We never say no, but sometimes our silence connotes the same meaning to a child.  Don't worry, there're no psychological scars because they will grow up without ever wondering why they are not a train conductor, a landscape artist, a chef, a zoologist, a whatever-that's-outside-your-office-environment because they never knew these doors were closed even while they were young.  But as a parent, wouldn't you think, what could have been?

I must say, even well into adulthood now.  It's hard not to wonder if I'm good at what I do every now and then.  At work or personal because, perhaps in Asia - encouragement in words are hard to come by.  I blame it on all the Ladybird series my parents fed me when I was young which drew me an entirely utopian image of a British family!  But jokes aside, I come to understand that encouragement usually comes from a leader not in position but in form.  God, parents, bosses, teachers, coaches, even husbands and wives.  They may give affirmation in a different way - a parent is perhaps always more loving than a coach.  I believe a coach is more creative in a sense that they have to sugar-coat the shit they give you so that you don't give up, yet you are self-motivated to push on.  I've been thinking a lot about becoming a coach, not because I want to but because I know I'm fairly good at that.  To some who are reading this, I hope it puts a smile on your face :) I've been thinking about pursuing that seriously because I believe in BIG people.  I believe with the right partnership, people can be the best they can be.  They can stretch and give more.  Everyone has an ideal projection of themselves.  But not everyone feels that they can achieve it.  And that truly baffles me - why?  I know why.  Because I know what it feels like to be 'not good enough' too.  It's strange, sometimes it takes a person to believe in you, even more than you believe in yourself, to help you be the optimum you.

We're all still like little children, aren't we?

Think about it.

How do you 'know' in a relationship?

From years of observation and participation, this is my humble opinion.  I hope to share some insights so that you could learn to love better ;)

Level 1: You don't know one another.

Level 2: You just know one another.

Level 3: You're beginning to know one another.

Level 4: You know one another and found differences.

Level 5: You know the differences and you know why.

Level 6: You know why and you accept the differences (because there's no two of the same you right?).

Level 7: You know the person is there only when you see them physically.

Level 8: You know the person is there if you hear from them (a text, a message, a phone call) even though they may not be physically present.

Level 9: You know the person is there even when you don't see nor hear from them.  You just know.

Level 10: You know for a fact, the person is always always always always in your heart, even though they're not in your life anymore.

Could be your partner, your parents, your siblings, your friends, your whomever.  I suppose especially in romantic relationships, 'knowing' is a form of assurance and security.  Which is why, the fairer sex who seems forever 'insecure' needs to 'know' so much about her partner.  Of course, it's easy to brush them away and call them clingy but truth be told, I'm sorry... there's nothing really you can do about it. Because insecurity is a personal challenge.  Sure you can help by making it 'easier' for them and in time, they may be inspired to let go which I'm sure all your efforts will be much appreciated.  And it will be paid off by a beautiful wonderful understanding partnership of two diverse personalities.  But first, you've got to hack it yea?

Sounds like a lot of work?  Well, nothing worth having is easy anyway, no?  Good luck and happy loving one another ;)

Tell me if this isn't true? And I'll do whatever you want.

Yup, like wow right?

Women make decisions according to the 'information' they gather from their surrounding on a daily basis.  Therefore, note to men: If you don't want her to keep 'changing her mind' then be consistent with your information.

Men make decisions according to their choice despite their surrounding and usually stick to it unless circumstances change.  Therefore, note to women: You can't change that fact.  Live with it.

Is supermarket, the new age fantasy?

I've been a supermarket vulture recently and oh my, how have our civilization has evolved.

We used to have one type of cooking oil. Maybe two or three choices of brand but essentially the same stuff. Then the choice widens as more and more brands push through the shelf. Some independent, some a few sub-brands from the same company, designed to dominate visual space with little product differentiation. And then the range started growing roots vertically. Within cooking oil, you now can choose peanut, canola, palm, etc etc. Brands of each sprouting like branches. And then the budding specialist oils (raspberry mango, olive and spice, etc etc) blossoms to confuse you even more if you're not confused by now. Welcome to grocery 2.0. And that's just the oil. Wait till you see the other stuff.

What happened to us? How much variety can we really consume?

But I must say that going grocery window shopping has become a new hobby of mine. I don't cook much nor great. But I simply couldn't resist the fascination of being awed by the powerful but mostly overlooked little inventions of mankind. Inventions that not only sustain us but nourish and enrich us. Amazing isn't it?

If you believe in the theory 'paradox of choice' then you must agree with me that the business of grocery shopping might be a lot less prosperous than it actually seems to be. What do you do when you click on a website that has nothing but 8 point size text and no matter how long you scroll, the page knows no end? You x it of course. So imagine being overwhelmed by rows and rows of colourful bottles and boxes and packages and what not. With no recipe in hand. You thought you would come for an exploration and an exploration it is. And find yourself at a complete lost, paralysed by the paradox of being able to whip up almost infinite types of dishes yet you could decide on none. Brilliant.

Now for the swift sighted, there's a blatant gaping hole of need that begs to be fulfilled. Perhaps in more than one way but nevertheless a great opportunity to help ease this shopper paralysis and make us all better cooks, chefs, homemakers, husbands, girlfriends, boyfriends, sons and daughters. If you can spot it, why not share it? See if we're on the same page? ;)

Meanwhile, I should stop blogging and get on with my cart. I'm causing a supermarket jam.  Happy shopping y'all!

Would you still solve the problem, if there were no rewards to it?

Not sure if this is considered profound material to you but it is illuminating to me.

""When money is used as an external reward for some activity, the subjects lose intrinsic interest for the activity," he wrote.  Rewards can deliver a short-term boost - just as a jolt of caffeine can keep you cranking for a few more hours.  But the effect wears off - and worse, can reduce a person's longer-term motivation to continue the project." - Daniel H. Pink, author of Drive (The surprising truth about what motivates us).

In the history of 'work', management has conditioned its workforce to believe that it is commendable to reward good behaviour and punish the bad ones (no, scrape that.  I meant in the history of 'civilization' - think about it, it is pervasive!  Home, school, any organisation in fact!).  We've been accustomed to calculate our own returns of time/resource/skill investment in the form of money.  Of course, we are all earning a salary and will never lift a single finger for anything less than what we are valued for in the market.  But when we consider the motivation to 'grow', it feels really strange to me that somewhere in the history of 'work', management has somehow resorted to dangling big fat chunky carrots in front of the employee so as to encourage him to perform higher, subsequently growing the company in a sum of collective efforts.

Who's the donkey now?

I mean... really.  Think about it.  This is your own personal growth measured and materialized by the work you produce.  But you need someone, to sit on top of you to entice you to do something that at the end of the day belongs entirely to you and which experience will benefit you forever.  Hmm... peculiar, no?  Keep the aforementioned scenario in your mind.  Keep it there.  Close your eyes if you need to visualize.  Now, tell me if that doesn't feel like we're all androids living in a told and do, win and lose system?  That we've been conditioned and manipulated to perk up and salivate at the sound of a reward and in return, we do whatever we've been 'programmed' to do.  Tell me it is not so?

Unfortunately, we're locked in this strange vicious cycle because the industry is receiving graduates from an education system which bedrock is exactly the 'carrot and stick' rule.  And the worse part is, now we know... cash is like steroids.  You give a booster, you get a boost in high performance.  But when you remove the booster, the grave danger is, the said performance does not return to its 'normal' level.  It swings below the norm and greatly demotivates the individual in pursuing the work even if he had found joy in doing so previously without the reward.  It's not in the conscious mind to even comprehend the situation that we've evolved into (trust me, neither can the management because chances are, they are the alumni of this system).  So no one is aware of this.  No one is aware that our annual increment, bonuses, incentives might actually be doing more harm to our quality of work, performance, interest, and ultimately life.  And we've been questioning to no avail till today, why is society chasing for cash, sacrificing everything that might be deemed meaningful in their life?  And surprisingly especially the mid-upper and not the low income earners?  What is the meaning of life?  Where is the balance of work?  What are we doing to ourselves?  Have you questioned yourself that before?

Every time we take the carrot, we unconsciously erode our precious curiosity and the purity of our interest in the subject.  Every time we take a bribe to do something, we unconsciously place more importance and value in the reward instead of the joy and satisfaction in discovering the solution.  Both ways get you to do the same place - solving the problem, completing the task.  But the question is... which is more important to you?

What happens when doctors are so c*cksure of themselves?

Let me share with you a story of a Roman physician, surgeon and philosopher who practised medicine circa 190 CE.  He concluded that all human beings have 4 temperament of personality that are strongly linked to the four major fluids contained in the body (blood, yellow bile, black bile and phlegm).  Now yes, that's really kinda gross but he was convinced that our personality type is dominated by the most dominant presence of one of the 4 fluids.  So if you have too much blood, you could be warm-hearted, cheerful, optimistic and confident with the occasional potential to be too selfish.  The general belief is that if you're too selfish, you could be treated by either cutting down on red meat or... making small cuts into the veins to release some blood.  Yup.  Not funny, but that's how they rolled before.  The aforementioned physician/surgeon is known as Claudius Galenus.  Fastforward a thousand years in the 1500s, an Italian physician found more than 200 errors in Galen's practice.

You know where I'm getting at right?

When you read the last few sentences, did the word 'ridiculous' come to your mind?  Why in our time, right here right now, we almost automatically question the treatment of 'punctuating our veins' to help us become less selfish?  So how can we be so confident with current treatments?  That we might ridicule ourselves a century later?

If Darwin's theory was true, then our bodies are constantly still fighting and adapting against current elements to survive.  While there are many discoveries that have been made and proven true (for example, the exact location of everyone's heart) but a lot of diseases or new illnesses (physical or mental) are surfacing  now that we cannot be too sure if we've made the right diagnosis.  What is really definitive then?  Well, the general truth is that we stop learning when things are definitive anyway.  So... with all due respect to our medical team - doctors, nurses, medic assistants, psychiatrists, therapists, etc - I think the idea is to never stop learning, never stop being critical of our own experiences and findings.  If debunking a myth 1500 years later is possible, then let's keep our options open.  And I salute you who never gave up questioning :)

How do you deal with 'complicated'?

Life is easy for people who stand only on one side of the fence.  But less so for those who have inclinations to both sides.  I can understand the difficulty in dealing with the latter because they seem so fickle-minded, it's almost impossible to know what's coming next.  If you think it's difficult to deal with that, trust me, it's even more difficult to be one of them.  Imagine if you:

Are strong but also weak.

Are innocent but also wild.

Are masculine but also girlish.

Are a go-getter but also a destroyer.

Are a people's person but hate socialising.

Want to settle down but also roam the earth.

Remain low-profile but aspire to change the world.

Care about the big picture but are anal about details.

Dislike glitz & glamour but love a Rolex Milgauss and a Chanel 225.

Are highly factual by day but turn emotional at night.

Are tough to convince but relent easily to tears.

Are submissive but need to be given a choice.

Are fiercely loyal but also anti-establishment.

Persevere but only till the last straw.

Are creative driven but mechanical.

Are spontaneous but strategic.

Are confident but shy.

When you are constantly swinging like a pendulum between two sides, you will then understand the tragedy of such predicament.  If you come across someone who's like that and you don't know how to deal with that person, here's a major tip for you.  The person is not fickle-minded, they are simply using different criteria to judge different situations which may not appear to be very consistent to you.  Thus, it's very easy to misunderstand them.  If you're unsure, the best way is to ask.  Please be fair to them, don't guess their intention because it might really turn out to be the complete opposite of what you have in mind.  Sometimes, they don't even realized they have caused a confusion.

I'm not really sure if you consider this schizophrenia or worse, a bi-polar trait but on good days, it's really good to have dual perspectives on everything.  Somehow it makes you more neutral and balanced, hence more accurate judgements.  But on bad days, it's tough to make a stand and easily sucked into confusion.  And you feel the world misunderstood you and that feeling is horrid horrid horrible.

Anyway, if you have a friend like that, good luck.  All I'm asking, is just a little patience and a whole lot of kindness.  Remember, if in doubt, just ask!

What's in a purple bottle?

These are some of my favourite scents, with my favouritest of the favouritest of the all time favourite, Escada's Summer limited edition called Moon Sparkle (nope, spark no coincidence there!) which is out of production.  Forever :(

So... did they piqued your curiosity?  Because they sure did mine.  Something that really intrigued me was... purple is not my favourite colour yet for some strange reason I'm attracted to scents in purple bottles.  Isn't that queer?  It's probably pure coincidence cause there may be more purple bottled perfume out there that didn't take my fancy.  And what's even stranger is, I have none of the above except for Escada Moon Sparkle which I tried my best to stock up when it was launched couple of years back which eventually, ran out. I wonder if the ingredients (which gave that wonderful and attractive bouquet of notes) determined the colour of the bottle?  Is that how designers do it?  Hmm.

And the strangest thing, is my current set of perfume... are all in pink.  Yeap.  All.

Does colour to a certain extent influence our olfactory choice without us knowing?

Truth of the world: Common sense is uncommon after all!

I'm reading this book and I think it's damn good.

Read this paragraph and tell me you're not getting a light bulb moment.

"People who lack common sense are a bit like the hapless robot in that they never seem to understand what it is that they should be paying attention to, and they never seem to understand what it is that they don't understand.  And for exactly the same reason that programming robots is hard, it's surprisingly hard to explain to someone lacking in common sense what it is that they're doing wrong.  You can take them back through various examples of when they said or did the wrong thing, and perhaps they'll be able to avoid making exactly those errors again.  But as soon as anything is different, they're effectively back to square one.  We had a few cadets like that at the academy: otherwise perfectly intelligent, competent people who just couldn't seem to figure out how to play the game.  Everyone knew who they were, and everyone could see that they just didn't get it.  But because it wasn't exactly clear what it was that they didn't get, we were unable to help them.  Bewildered and overwhelmed, most of them eventually left."

I'll show you the book when I'm done but seriously, reading this is like a BIG 'OH I SEE' moment.

And just awhile back, I had a conversation with a dear friend in London.  I told her that it's getting more and more apparent to me that in life, there's no right or wrong.  We always have a comeback line to justify whatever decision we make.  We're always contradicting ourselves like that one fine day in Smythson on Bond - one notebook says, The best things come to those who wait while another points out, Make it happen.  I not only have trouble deciding which colour to get, now I have an internal debate who am I really so that I do not pick the wrong title that will misrepresent me.  And then, came this moment when I read from the very same book:

"The same difficulty of reconciling what, individually, appear to be self-evident beliefs shows up even more clearly in the aphorisms that we invoke to make sense of the world.  As sociologists are fond of pointing out, many of these aphorisms appear to be direct contradictions of each other.  Birds of a feather flock together, but opposites attract.  Absence indeed makes the heart grow fonder, but out of sight is out of mind.  Look before you leap, but he who hesitates is lost.  Of course, it is not necessarily the case that these beliefs are contradictory - because we invoke different aphorisms in different circumstances.  But because we never specify the conditions under which one aphorism applies versus another, we have no way of describing what it is that we really think of why we think it.  Common sense, in other words, is not so much a worldview as a grab bag of logically inconsistent, often contradictory beliefs, each of which seems right at the time but carries no guarantee of being right any other time."

I don't know if this interest you as much but it's Pandora box to me.  Suddenly everything is crystal clear.  We use common sense (in this case, usually communicated via an aphorism) in situations where our hearts or minds have already made the decision.  These aphorism is only a way to communicate to others to reaffirm what we have already pre-decided whether we know it or not.  For example a girl who dates a guy who's completely opposite of her.  And they broke up, and she tells her friends, "Okay, you know... we're like from two different worlds".  Same girl, goes out with another guy who's still completely opposite of her.  They hit off and live a fairy tale life, and she tells her friends, "We're so different... I guess it's true when they say opposite attracts.  We completely balance each other out".  You must be thinking... what a fickle minded person - her justification is non-justification.  But if you truly think about it... It's not that she's lying to herself nor giving excuses for being together with one person and not the other.  To me, understanding how this whole common sense works and its relation with aphorisms, tell me that her subconscious has already decided who she liked more.  Truth is, she didn't like the first guy as much as she liked the second one.  There's no bad, no good.  Just as it is.  It's amazing how I finally realize that common sense is the unexplainable intuition (which is an oxymoron by the way because you can never explain intuition anyway) that helps people listen to the small truth in their mind.  The decision that's driven by emotions (perhaps?) explains why it's... unexplainable.  Communicating this common sense is just a way to crystallize that feeling into an action.  Wow.  I.  Never.  Thought.  Of.  That.

I'm sorry maybe it doesn't intrigue you guys as much but I suppose it doesn't just help me to understand people even better now, it helps me to understand what's going in me better now (remember what we said before? The best researcher is the best guinea pig).  And it helps me to be able to deal with situations better now (well it should).  And most most most most most importantly...  I finally realized that I'm not a robot.  Between 10101010s, I have something called intuition and robots cannot be preprogrammed to achieve that kind of God-given intelligence that we, human have :) (sorry, internal joke...).

Feedback loop changes human behaviour.

On WIRED, July issue:

The signs leverage what's called a feedback loop, a profoundly effective tool for changing behaviour.  The basic premise is simple.  Provide people with information about their actions in real time (or something close to it), then give them an opportunity to change those actions, pushing them toward better behaviours.  Action, information, reaction.  It's the operating principle behind a home thermostat, which fires the furnace to maintain a specific temperature, or the consumption display in a Toyota Prius, which tends to turn drivers into so-called hypermilers trying to wring every last mile from the gas tank.  But the simplicity of feedback loops is deceptive.  They are in fact powerful tools that can help people change bad behaviour patterns, even those that seem intractable.  Just as important, they can be used to encourage good habits, turning progress itself into a reward.  In other words, feedback loops change human behaviour.  And thanks to an explosion of new technology, the opportunity to put them into action in nearly every part of our lives is quickly becoming a reality.


Brilliant.

Which explains why, people who are keen to improve themselves constantly and consistently look for feedbacks even knowing that sometimes it may come as criticism.

Hmm...

Social media: When overwhelmed bloggers decide to pull the plug.

Before there weren't many blogs. Then everyone was a blogger. Somehow, somewhere, overnight and over time, they garnered hundreds and thousands and sometimes even millions of eyeballs. They have fans and followers who 'bought' into their blog. And suddenly, these bloggers are launched into celebhood. They get invited to speak and share in mainstream social media sites - their success, failure, visions, dreams, ideals and fear. Then suddenly it bombed.

Suddenly, your favourite blogger is calling it quits. Whether in the form of a sabbatical or just needing to 'unplug' for a week or two to 'think about things'. To sort out their life, to figure what they really want from this and where they are heading to next. Suddenly, all this fame got a little too heady and became overly overwhelming. Because we forget. These bloggers are flesh and blood like us. They are NOT your A-star celebrities who trot red carpets and have a personal life guru to coach them on managing celebrity stress. They have day jobs, they have passion, they have problems, they have relationships and they have repercussions when fame and glory finally catch up with them. And they feel exposed, naked, unsure of whether they have asked for all these 'coverage' because what started out to be a passion and exposure of their inner thoughts that gave them 15 minutes glory is becoming a nightmare of public scrutiny.

So what happens next? How would or should they deal with this mental stress? Any anonymous group? (Is there anonymity anyway?) But what about the fans? That their celebrity blogger has decided to pull the plug, get away from them because it's just getting too much? How is society affected? What does this teach us? What kind of pressure is building up in this web 2.0 frenzy that's causing stress 2.0? And most important of all, what is the repercussion to our real life?

I believe there will be a second dot.com burst. This time, the bubble ain't 'economics'. This time it will be a social explosion. I don't know when, and I don't know how. But the pressure cooker is on. Someone gather the psychiatrists and sociologists and doctors and legislators and researchers. Let's be ready for it.

Automotive: You are your car.

I read this Psychology Today which is really funny. Entertainment aside, I find there's a lot of truth behind the analysis of these car badges. I don't have that much experience in automotive business but I can really vouch for this.

*** start of article ***

We're all familiar with conspicuous consumption as a display of wealth and status—spending Benjamins to keep up with the Joneses. But in his book, Spent, evolutionary psychologist Geoffrey Miller asserts that purchases are also strategic displays of personality traits, intelligence, creativity, and more—particularly in the service of attracting mates. The strategies are not always conscious, and the displays not always truthful; people are as capable as corporations of false advertising. Below we compile some of Miller's freewheeling impressions of motorists: what they drive, and what drives them. —Matthew Hutson

Ferrari
Oh boy, besides showing off fantastic spending might, this high-horsepower carriage yells, "I'm an extrovert!" Top: down. Plates: vain. The driver wants you to know he's the life of the party, even if the ride fits only a party of two.
Bumper Sticker:
"If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable"

Buick
If you drive a Buick and you're not old, you probably still have a W sticker on the back. Nothing advertises low openness (traditionalism, conservatism) quite as well—except maybe a Lincoln or Rolls Royce. The school decal is Princeton or West Point.
Bumper Sticker:
"Gun control means using both hands"

Mini
The Mini driver hopes to convince you she's open to new experiences. If the school decal (Hampshire) doesn't convince you of her liberal eccentricity, the copy of Harper's on the dashboard will. Second car: Lotus, Scion, or Subaru (great for the weather in Vancouver).
Bumper Sticker:
"Question reality," or "I like It sloppy and weird"

Volvo
The Volvo is a symbol of high conscientiousness (predictability, organization). Befriend (or date) a Volvo driver and you're purportedly getting someone who's responsible and cautious. The car will probably be sparkling clean, as regular washes demonstrate reliability and attention to detail.
Bumper Sticker:
"The police never think it's as funny as you do"

*** end ***